My life has felt very chaotic lately. I know it's because I just graduated from college and I am trying to adjust to life outside of the 16 years I have spent in a school of some sort, but I just can't seem to get a hang of it yet. Truth be told I miss class. I miss learning...learning about concepts and about myself and how they collide. Knowledge should never be knowledge for the sake of knowing but for the sake of changing myself and changing my world. I remember in college walking back to my room and always pausing to look at the stars. It was in those moments I learned to breathe and remember that God holds them in the same hand that he holds my heart and my future. I realized on my way home from work today that I don't look at the stars any more. So I stepped out of my car and looked up at the stars for the first time in awhile. One in particular stood out to me and made me think of the North Star. Polaris. The key to directions....which I am horrible at. Directions always seem to get jumbled up in my head no matter how hard I try. This is what my head and my heart feels like often these days, a little turned upside down. However, lest you think I am unhappy, let me tell you it is being lost that I have found out so much. So much about God and so much about who He says I am. I have learned that He doesn't love me because I do for Him but because I am for Him. This is hard for me because I am a doer and often worry that I do not do enough or am not prepared for every unforeseen possibility. I used to think I had a good grasp on the unforeseen and was ALWAYS prepared. Let me take a moment to laugh at the naive, immature version of myself that was...yesterday. I don't think I will ever learn how to let go. There have been some moments where I think God has confronted me with my own need for control by showing me the physical effects of this stronghold. I often feel like He says, "Let go or die!" But that's just my flare for the dramatic coming out. But really. I have been more sick now then I may have ever been in college or most other times of my life. I am too busy controlling every aspect of my life and thinking up every possible outcome of things to relax or to let God give me rest for my soul. Rest for my soul. That is what I need: a place of shelter and protection.
What does this have to do with stars you say? Well, today when I looked up at the stars above my apartment I remembered all the times God has provided for me. All the times I foresaw coming and all the ones that I didn't. He does not discriminate and he blesses me no more or no less for my ability to plan. He takes care of his children, for which I am one. He will always take care of me. The stars will always remind me of his love, his majesty, and his direction. It will never be easy for me to let go but I will do so everyday because I know I leave my life in the capable hands of the one who hung the stars. It is in these hands that I may find rest for my soul, there and nowhere else.