It's days like that that seem to give me courage to make changes and improvements in my life. The wind sometimes seems as restless as my own soul.
As of late I have been learning a lot of lessons about contentment (as I have often bored you with writing about!) I really felt like I was beginning to get a handle on that...well ok barely but I was getting there! I was beginning to settle and start doing the little things I love again. Then...this thing hits last week. This uncomfortablness, this unsettled feeling. The feeling I felt like I was overcoming. It was back.
The feeling reminded me of the gusts of Oklahoma wind that too often blow dust into my eyes on my way into work. It was a pushing and pulling feeling. Pushing where and pulling where I don't know. I seriously began to pray about this. At first they were angry, anxious, desperate prayers of, "Lord, we just did this." After a couple nights of fitful sleep and anxious dreams I woke up one day to some answers. I was praying on my morning commute and it was then that God gave me some ideas and some peace.
I realized I must do more. God has shown me about myself that I don't do well in a stagnant state. I had trapped myself in this waiting game because I had sworn God had called me to simply wait. That this surely was God's will for my life even if it seemed to shrink my world by one hundred times. Even if it made me feel stifled and suffocated that surely this was God's will...so I would wait until he made me feel better. Wrong thinking, my friends.
Yes, God has called me to the job that I am at and so very thankful for. Yes, the state of life that he has called me to has been a huge transition for me. But he has also stirred this restlessness in me to be used for his glory. To make me do more for his glory at work and in my personal life. He has gifted me to be a learner and a doer and those are the opposite of simply waiting and being stagnant. I am not to live my life waiting for the next step or the next foot to drop but rather in constant pursuit of God and how I can use the gifts that he has given me to give glory to him. That is not a waiting game, my friends, it is allowing God to work through every situation that you are presented with. I am not claiming to have this all figured out but I am claiming the peace that Christ has given me in every emotion and situation that I feel. My feelings are not reality, God's grace and peace are.
"What does this practically mean?" you ask. Well, for me it means that I am looking at going back to school and continuing my education because I know that is a passion that God has given me. This means that I learn how to better use my skills at work. This means that when I feel like running I stay and when I feel too comfortable to be interrupted that I accept divine interventions with a willing spirit and heart. This means holding plans loosely because they could always change but God's desire for me to be in intimate relationship with him never does. His plans are not against me but for me. I must stop thinking that God is not for me but against me. This gives me peace to think that in all things the God of the universe has my back.